Should you change the core of your personality for your partner?

Forgive me. I am going off-piste today. What I want to share with you is a thread from a social network and a chat between myself and a couple of my Mastermind buddies: Karl Whitfield and Mike Berry.

Since last weeks blog about heart energy for certainty and courage in challenging times, I have been inundated with requests for a Summer retreat to explore how to go from head to heart. It also spurned a few conversations about heart energy in relationships and the one below is so powerful in insight and learning that I wanted to share it with you.

Be warned. It is long! It is also deep and intimate but if this is an area that interests you then print it off and read, absorb and enjoy at your leisure.

The following is unedited and includes a beautiful piece of writing from my friend and buddy Karl

Karl Whitfield: Only if the changes fit with who you want to be.

Tracey Carr Great answer Karl Whitfield THANK YOU

 You know, sometimes in our lives, we’ve been “us” for ages, and then you experience something or meet someone and you think “Hang on, I see me differently now, and I’ve been stagnating, and I need to evolve, it’s time to change my game plan” and that event, person or experience (it may be a new partner, a new friend, a career change, an illness, who knows…) becomes the catalyst for your growth. In that context, change for the sake of your partner may be a lot more about you raising your own standards for yourself, as much as changing your personality because it plugs your partner in. Make sense?

Absolutely agree with you Karl Whitfield we change and grow through all experiences and that is my personal  commitment to spiritual growth but what if the person is saying something about you that doesn’t resonate but you can see their point of view. For instance many people might think that I am too dramatic and exaggerated and many don’t like that but I ‘decided’ to like that part of me a long time ago and, in so doing,  accepted that because it isn’t ‘norm’ some people may judge. Some will, some wont ….. so what …     But if the feedback is from somebody you care deeply about it’s not so easy

I say you are who you are, and if you are happy with that, then change for no one. It’s important to try to evaluate how others see you from THEIR viewpoint. Hitler probably thought he was a good guy, he probably thought he was following a righteous course, trying to eliminate weakness (as he saw it) and create a perfect race….but he clearly failed to evaluate his own beliefs and actions from an external point of view! (Forgive the rather extreme example!)


So many of us have character traits that don’t meet with approval from everyone else in our lives (thank goodness…how boring if we were all the same and thought the same way and liked the same things…husbands and wives would be “one size fits all” and endlessly interchangeable! Vive le difference!!) and sometimes it is important to try to take yourself out of your own psyche for a while and see those traits in yourself from an external view, if you can. Then see how you feel about it. If you still like you the way you are, then you have integrity, so change for no one. But if your experience helps you see things differently, then you may want to change, and it will be easy, there will be no resistance.


None of us should change just to meet the ‘expected behaviour’ or ‘desired image’ that another projects onto us, but if others help us to see flaws in ourselves that we could improve, or if others help us to see ways we could grow and evolve and better ourselves, then there is no shame in saying “thanks for changing my view” and moving on, embracing change in the name of personal development.

Mike Berry: wow, brilliantly worded reply karl


We all have the ability to have different personas to suit different people and circumstances.


eg. I’m normally a very easy going, fun-loving guy, but when confronted by mr.angry last week, I turned into a powerful giant, with 18 years of martial arts black belt experience, and not to be messed with… fortunately he got the message without bloodshed or physical proof.


In your example here, It takes a ‘big’ person to say ‘thank you for highlighting that’, and then choosing to act on it (change) or not.


There is a nothing wrong with drama in the right circumstances, just as there’s nothing wrong with slapstick at times.


… and I think you’re spot on Karl re: perception – it’s not necessarily “right or wrong”, “truth or lies” – we all have our own filters, and tend to ‘see’ the world, people, words, language, circumstances and even intentions based on our own filters.


The sinking of the cruise ship off Italy is a great example… we can all ‘look’ at images and news items, and all have different reactions and thoughts… and that doesn’t mean that we’re right and everyone else is wrong if they have differing thoughts… it doesn’t have to be ‘black OR white’.


Fortunately Tracey, we all (well most of us, haha) love your drama most of the time. Especially when we know it comes from the higher frequency intention of love.


Karl Whitfield: Thanks Mike, yeah bang on, it’s all filters. Someone once told me “we all think we are all right all the time” Think how nations go to war and religions can hold people to almost polar opposite views…yet all those people believe they are right. There is rarely a right or wrong, rarely a black or white, just perceptions.


1luvx that’s my motto 🙂

Lots of learning here for EVERYONE if they choose to read it. At the end of the day as long as two people can relate without the masks of the archetypes then it is OK for the archetype to be loved for what it is (drama, slapstick whatever) and the range is important too .i.e. to also embrace the warrior and sovereign too (love to have seen your warrior Mike lol ) but pure love is a heart energy and it is still and it has nothing to do with masks/perceptions or archetypes or even rules …for instance FB has ‘in’ or ‘out’ of relationship and it has ‘complicated’ but true love is none of these things and it is beyond restraint, labels and controls. This is my spiritual lesson at the moment …to learn that love just IS and cant be labelled or controlled and how friggin amazing and liberating and FREE Is that ? 🙂

True love IS “all” to people like me, for whom love is number one, my ruling emotion. True love conquers all, suffers in silence, fights eternally, forgives in an instant, is never afraid, will never stop, will never give up. I wrote something the other day about love, about this issue of should someone change or not…let me find it and copy it here, you’ll like it…hang on…

Karl Whitfield Here it is:


I ask nothing of you but love. I have no long list of conditions to be met, things that must be done, no list of changes I would make to you, no ‘laundry list’ of ways I’d like you to change, or things I’d like you to do. I don’t want or need a ‘little woman’ to cook my meals or wash my clothes or clean my house. I do not need a domestic helper, I want a best friend. I don’t need a cook, I want a soul mate. I don’t need someone to clean my bathroom, I want someone to awaken my mind, stimulate my senses and engage with my passions. Life isn’t about a big house or a fast car or a handful of possessions, life is about the people we share our time on this wonderful Earth with, life is about the connections we make, the love we share, the lives we touch and the people who touch us. Life isn’t about a widescreen TV and a BMW, it’s about who you remember fondly in the last hours of your fading life, it’s about who you cried over losing, and who cried over losing you, it’s about the hands you’ve held, the lives you touched, the souls you helped and the hope and smiles you gave.


I don’t need someone to help with the bills, I want someone to share the laughter with. I don’t need someone to do the shopping or carry the bags, I want someone to create memories with me, to share sunsets and beach walks, log fires and summer evening walks in meadows of wild flowers. I don’t need someone useful to help me, I want someone passionate to adore me. I don’t need someone rich to prop up my finances, I want someone interesting with an enquiring mind to enrich my knowledge and senses. I don’t need some trophy to brighten up my arm when I’m out in public, I want someone kind who will nurture my loving heart in private at the end of the day, when I feel weak and tired. I don’t need someone strong to always grin and bear it all, I want someone honest and loving, to connect with me and share the tears and tantrums of a life well lived. I don’t need someone flighty who will only be there in the good times, I want a friend who will always be by my side, who will hold my hand for better, and for worse. I don’t need someone to help me spend my money, I want someone who wants to help me spend my life.


I don’t want to control you, I want to be so enraptured by your commanding beauty that I am forever putty in your hands. I don’t want to enslave you, I want to empower you. I could think of nothing more incredible, no natural sight more beautiful, than a woman completely free, empowered in her femininity, alive with all that is vibrant, engaging, sensuous, loving and tender in a woman’s character. I don’t need or want a slave in a ‘role’ as my domestic servant. I don’t need to know if my prospective wife is “any good at cooking”, I don’t care if you are “keen on cleaning”…screw that, I can clean my own toilet, I’m a good cook, I know how to iron a shirt and if I don’t have time to do these things myself I will hire someone to help, so that we can spend our time together. I want a wife with a personality and a sense of adventure, someone to stimulate me, challenge my intellect and encourage me, help push me to my limits, to make the most of my life, to be the best man I can be. I want a life partner I can talk to, learn from, someone who will fly with me, test me, enrich and nourish my soul. I want to lose myself in your beauty, lose myself in your charms, be constantly amazed by your inspiring company and be constantly breathless at your beauty and passion. Life should not be about “who can I get, who can I own”, it should be about “how can I share, how can I give, how can I help this person to be all she can truly be”.


I don’t need someone to model me to be their ideal, I don’t need someone who wants to change me, mould me, beat me into submission. As I don’t want to model, change, mould or beat you. I don’t want to imprison you in my specific vision of who you should be, or how you should look, or what you should do or say, it will never be my intention to shape you to my idea or ideal, and the very notion of such behaviour utterly disgusts me. Quite the contrary, I want to set you free, I want to free you to be more of you, more of who you are, more of the real, authentic, natural you. I want to set you free. I want you to be alive, enriched, awake, not trapped under the monotonous social hypnosis of modern life. I don’t want to see your stunning feminine beauty trapped, confined to a living stereotype, all your amazing potential paralysed in trying to conform to endless over-used social norms. I adore you for your individuality, your unique style, your free spirited sense of difference. I simply want to adore you for being you.


I don’t want to control you, I want to connect with you. When I look into your face, I don’t think about wanting to touch your breasts, I want to touch your heart. I don’t want to own you, I want you to be your own woman. When I look at your irresistible smile, I don’t think about wanting to penetrate you between your thighs, I want to penetrate your soul. Of course I want your desire, I want your lust, I want your passion, your touch, all your sensual feminine charms, of course I want all of you, but when we make love I want our deepest connection to be in our hearts and minds. I want your tender touch, your eyes, your lips, I want my mind to experience my orgasm before my body, I want to get lost in you, and I want you to feel utterly adored, appreciated in every way, safe, loved, free in your experience. I want you to know my world revolves around you and right there, right then, nothing else matters, there is no outside world, it’s just us.


I want to look after you, help you grow, nurture you, protect you, free you from masculine responsibilities and allow you to blossom in your femininity. I want to be your rock, your pillar, your hero, your best friend, your soul mate and your lover. I will have eyes only for you, forever, and you will know, every day, that you are the centre of my world.


I don’t need a little girl, I want a woman. A magnificent woman, fully feminine and in her beauty, is the most amazing creation on Earth. What more could any man ask for?


I ask nothing else of you, but love.

Rich Waterman When I truly started living what Karl just wrote my whole life changed. Not just relationships. We need to run a seminar on this stuff. Not enough out there.

Kerry Searle Very in-depth insights, thanks for sharing

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